


Sometimes I Wake Up by the Door

by erisgregory



Category: Glee RPF
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Drama, F/M, Future Fic, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-07
Updated: 2012-06-07
Packaged: 2017-11-07 05:07:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/427199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erisgregory/pseuds/erisgregory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darren looks back over the past six and a half years at the decisions he's made, the mistakes that he can never take back, and the life he's been building. There has been joy and sorrow and love and friendship, but one thing is clear about his life today. He's been living a lie.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Darren Criss is living a lie. He's so good at it that at times he forgets the deception behind it all and really throws himself into it. It never lasts though, eventually he starts losing sleep for no good reason until he's lost in a haze of insomnia that reduces him to his basic self, and then it all rushes back in. Darren Criss is living a lie. It's a beautiful lie, really. He reminds himself often enough that most people would give almost anything to be in his shoes and to live his life. He's been married for four years to a beautiful, wonderful woman, and they have two wonderful children, the perfectly appointed home, and dream careers. It was all he had ever hoped for growing up, all he had ever wanted until it wasn't.

Try as he might, Darren never could remember the exact moment that had all changed. It wasn't a specific point in time, more like a gradual realization. One day he realized that when he told Chris he loved him it meant so much more and had for some time. They took their time after that. Not because Darren wanted to, he wanted to throw himself into it all and wrap his life around Chris', but Chris was sensible and cautious and put Darren off so often.

"There are feelings, Darren, of course there are feelings, I just can't." He would say this more times than Darren could count. Darren would spend his free time drowning in thoughts of Chris and how miserable it was to love someone so completely when they couldn't love you back. He moped around his apartment until Chris himself showed up and forced him back out into his life and into the world. Chris was nothing if not practical and Darren loved him for it, even then.

Darren remembered the night when things shifted between them. In some ways that was a beginning but for him it also felt like just another way to ache for more of Chris than he was allowed to have. It was late and they were on the phone, as usual, talking into the wee hours of the morning. However on this night they were both a little tipsy and Darren would swear that Chris was flirting with him. Before he even knew what was going on they were on the subject of sex, and then phone sex, and Chris was asking him if he ever had tried it. Darren hadn't, and neither had Chris.

Suddenly Darren was nervous. Chris' breathing was a little heavy, actually it sounded like Darren's, and Darren was suddenly thinking that this could really happen between them. It might happen right now, except there was just no way he could say, hey let's give it a shot.

"What are you doing, Darren?" Chris asked, his voice pitched low.

"Nothing." Darren answered, his voice sounding breathy to his ears. "Thinking." He added.

"Hmm." Chris replied and there was a sort of long drawn out pause after. "What are you thinking?" He pressed.

Oh, well, shit. Darren swallowed and he was certain Chris had heard him. "I guess I'm just thinking that I don't know if I'm brave enough for something like that." Darren's voice trembled just slightly.

"Be brave." Came Chris' reply.

They didn't talk dirty to each other that first time. Mostly it was just hitching breaths and panting into the phone that turned into moaning until they both seemed to fall into sync together. Before Darren knew it he was close, and Chris was too and then they were coming together, breathing into each other's ears. Darren nearly choked on the 'I love you' that wanted to be said. He didn't say it though and neither did Chris. They weren't together, not yet, but things had definitely changed.

It didn't happen again for several days, but soon it was happening more often than not. They were getting off on the phone together each night and were somehow still best friends during the day. It was confusing to Darren, confusing and wonderful, and overwhelming the way new love often is.

The summer came on them fast, and Darren found himself crying in Chris' arms as they said goodbye. Chris would only be gone for two weeks before the tour, but that was more than they'd been apart since they'd grown closer. Chris was soothing, rubbing his arms up and down Darren's back while Darren sniffed and apologized. He couldn't believe he was being such a ridiculous fool.

"I'll be back before you know t and then we'll have the whole tour ahead of us." Chris said softly, pressing his nose into Darren's hair.

"Right, I know, I'm okay, really. I hope you have an amazing time." I love you. Darren took a few ragged breaths and held himself straight as Chris pulled away.

"See you soon, Dar." Chris smiled reassuringly at him and then he was gone; out the door, into the waiting cab that would take him to the airport. Darren felt his heart twist painfully in his chest. Two weeks. It was a tiny amount of time, all things considered, but he knew Chris would be too busy for many phone calls, and he wouldn't have any privacy so their night time activities were being put on hold. Darren shook his head at himself as he locked his door. It's not as if he couldn't jerk off by himself, it was just, he didn't really want to. It was never as good as when he had Chris moaning in his ear. It would be great if that was what the problem was though, just that he'd miss getting off with Chris. It wasn't that at all.

Two weeks of trading emails and restless days and even more restless nights, Chris was back in just enough time to start repacking for the tour. He'd told Darren to meet him at his place the night he got in. Darren was beside himself waiting, but when he got to Chris' apartment and had been wrapped in Chris' arms, he forgot the long wait and sank into the here and now.

"I missed you." Chris said his voice tight.

"I missed you too." Darren said softly, burrowing himself into Chris and breathing in the clean scent of him.

"I realized something, while I was away." Chris said.

Darren tensed in his arms, torn in half b hope and dread. "You did?" He asked tentatively.

"I love you. I have for a long time." Chris' voice was so soft, but sure.

Darren had wanted to say something profound then, to reassure Chris that he still felt the same way, to say anything really, but he couldn't speak. Instead he pulled back just enough so he could look up into Chris' eyes and then they were kissing.

Maybe it should have felt really different than all the kisses they'd shared as Kurt and Blaine, but somehow it was just as easy, just as natural, as though they'd been doing this all along. Hs brain knew it was a first kiss and that it held so much precious potential in it, but his body just registered it as home.

They kept their relationship a secret for a long time. Chris opened up a whole world of pleasure and passion for Darren and together they learned about each other and love and trust and forever. Darren had been so certain it was forever.

Eventually they let their friends in on it, and finally their families. There were a couple of hard sells but mostly people wanted the best for them. Darren would always remember that first year they spent together as the golden year. That one tiny moment when their lives and their worlds aligned so perfectly that it seemed like nothing would ever touch what they had. Or what they wanted to build together.

He'd been a fool. Darren knew that now. He'd had enough time to recognize it for what it was, but at the time, he'd blamed Chris almost entirely.

Season five of Glee changed everything. They were both still under contract as series regulars, but their actual screen time was greatly reduced. This wasn't exactly a bad tin as it meant they could both focus on all their other projects. Darren was in the middle of working on his first solo album since Glee began and Chris was caught between furiously writing and starring in his first major motion picture that he hadn't directed. It was a busy time for both of them and it meant a lot of time apart.

Everything happened really slowly. So slowly that Darren would look back on it later and think that they were like frogs in hot water. Neither of them even registered that they were slowly being boiled alive.

Small things at first. They stopped making time to Skype while apart. Maybe it was because they often had people around them both and there wasn't a lot of time for privacy. Darren missed it though because he missed seeing Chris even when they were hundreds of miles apart.

Phone calls grew shorter, phone sex became nonexistent and Darren marveled at how much he could miss it even when he knew he could have the real thing once they were back in town together. Still that was like their first step and to have it just gone was like having something essential missing. He tired to initiate it a couple of times but Chris was too tired and how could Darren blame him really? Chris always worked harder than anyone he knew. Next they stopped flying out to see each other for visits that had to last less than a day. If they couldn't have the weekend, what was the point? All that travelled was time consuming and draining.

Phone calls grew infrequent. Where Darren was used to saying goodnight to Chris every night, now he was lucky f he got to talk to Chris once in several days. Chris still texted, giving updates on his work and telling Darren he loved him, but by then so many months had gone by that Darren was afraid this was their new life together.

When they were finally back at home together it was almost tense. Darren tried to brush it off and tell himself that they'd been apart too long, they were out of their routines and needed time to get back to life in the slower lane. He was patent with Chris, even when their sex life started to dwindle. Chris would fall asleep long before Darren would and Darren would just lie awake in the dark wanting Chris to be in his arms and feeling like Chris might as well be n another state.

Six weeks went by and the most intimate thing they'd shared were a few kisses that Darren initiated while Chris was still too sleepy in the morning to protest. Darren was starting to feel like all of this was tearing apart his insides. He tried to talk to Chris about it, but Chris could only say that he was sorry, that nothing was wrong, that he was too worn out from everything. That he loved Darren and wanted him, but that he just didn't have anything to give right now. Six weeks turned into several months and Darren retreated into himself.

In retrospect that would be the thing that haunted Darren the most. He should have known that something was actually wrong with Chris then, but he didn't. He was selfish and he wanted his lover back and he wanted Chris to be his as much as he had been before and it blinded him to everything else. He was selfish, so very selfish.

He didn't know how selfish exactly until he found himself at Lea Michele's New Year's Eve party alone. Chris had completed his latest novel and had begged off from the party, telling Darren to go anyway; that he needed to just pass out for twenty four hours and that Darren would just be bored sitting around the house. He didn't even take Darren to the airport. Darren checked into his hotel and then made his way over to Lea's.

He drank his cares away. Literally. He couldn't talk to anyone about what was going on and no one wanted to hear about things like that at a party anyway, so he drank instead. The music was loud and it forced him not to think and the drinks kept coming until he was content and numb and laughing and joking like his old self.

Jake Houghton was a friend of Jon Groff's, a Broadway star, and a Glee fan. They ended up in the kitchen together where they could hear enough to talk and they talked the rest of the year away until they knew all about each other. All of the superficial things, anyway. They had a lot in common too. Jake was just a little older than Darren but he was just as big a nerd if not bigger. When the party finally wound down, Darren was hesitant to leave. He hadn't felt this relaxed or this alive in forever. Maybe even a year. God, had it really been a year? But Jake was asking him to stay out, go for coffee. Greet the dawn and the New Year together, New York style, and Darren didn't have it in him to say no.

They never made it to coffee. They made it to Jake's apartment instead. Afterwards Darren left immediately. He curled up on his hotel bed and cried for hours. Hadn't Chris pushed him to this though? They had grown so far apart that they were more like roommates than partners, more like best friends than lovers. And now, and now…and now Darren was so alone. He was alone and cold and he knew deep down that it was the end. He wasn't going to lie about what he'd just done, and even if Chris could forgive him for it, neither of them would ever forget it. In one night, in less than an hour really, Darren had taken the only real thing he'd ever cherished and thrown it away. He blamed Chris, he really did, but his heart knew better, even then.

They broke up officially almost two months later. After numerous conversations and many shared tears, Chris had said that he obviously couldn't give Darren what he needed. He was too busy, too tired, and he didn't have whatever it was Darren was looking for. Darren hated him a little for that. Something in Darren had wanted Chris to fight him; to fight for them. Instead he gave up on Darren as if it was the simplest thing to do and that night Darren found himself alone n their home packing his things by himself.

Darren would never know what the motivation behind it all was, but his character was written carefully off the show. He didn't blame Chris for it, not for that decision. He wasn't really bitter about it at all. Actually it made life a lot easier now that he wasn't worrying about how he could face Chris at work. Then it was easy to take what he had left in his life and go to New York to pursue a career on stage.

He threw himself into work. He lost track of friends, he forgot to phone home to his family, he drew himself in tight and hung on to whatever bit of him that was left that still wanted to live. It was hard; harder than he ever expected. Harder still when Chris finally called to check on him and ask if he thought they could ever be friends again. Chris really was just a better human being than Darren ever could be. But how could he say no?

Like everything else about them, they started slow. They shared a phone call once or twice a week; an email here or there, then a text message randomly now and again. Darren cherished each one because he knew this was all he had left. Slowly but surely they feel into a comfortable pattern and Darren and Chris became friends again.

Just when Darren though this life was starting to make sense again, when his career was slipping easily along and he was letting his friends and family back in, Chris dropped a bomb. "I have an appointment to see a psychologist." He said one night.

"Oh?" Darren was tired but his brain was trying to wake back up.

"Yeah, I've…actually I've had some hallucinations." Chris' voice sounded small suddenly. Young.

"What do you mean, like what?" Okay so Darren was obviously not going to be eloquent right now, but he was suddenly nervous, feeling winded and unable to think.

"I guess it started a long time ago, but I just thought I was overworked or exhausted. I would hear things, like voices, and it sounded like a radio or television playing far away, but it's been getting worse." Chris took a deep breath and seemed to hold it.

It started a long time ago. Darren felt a sinking feeling right in the center of his chest. He couldn't speak even though he had a million questions, like when did it start and did you see a doctor and why didn't you say anything sooner?

"I know." Chris said simply. "It started about a year and a half ago. I saw a doctor and he said there was nothing physically wrong with me, it wasn't like a tumor or anything crazy like that. He suggested I try and get some rest but he said if it kept on I needed to see a psychologist."

Darren's brain started working again only now it was like it was on fast forward trying to catch back up.

"You never said anything." He said softly. He wasn't trying to accuse Chris of anything he was just trying to figure it out.

"I know." Chris said, his voice low and broken.

"Why did you wait so long to see the psychologist?" Darren asked.

"I was scared. Kept hoping it would go away and I was so busy and it just never went away and then…then things were happening and now I guess I just have no choice." Chris sniffed so softly that Darren couldn't be sure he'd even heard it.

"Chris, you need to call me tomorrow and tell me what they say, can you promise me that much at least?" Darren's gut was twisting into knots.

"Yeah, I will, I promise." Chris sad then he had to go, he was falling asleep, but Darren knew that was a lie. He let Chris go though and promised to be a better person from that night on. He would be a real friend to Chris and support him now even though he hadn't before.

Chris was not diagnosed with anything right away but he was put into both counseling and psychiatric treatment. Darren would learn more about Chris in the next few months than maybe he'd ever really known. Chris was treated with both ant depression meds and ant psychotic meds which seemed to minimize the occurrence of the hallucinations and helped Chris sleep better too. Apparently he'd been dealing with a lot of things for a long time and had tried to suffer through it all in silence. Darren felt like a complete asshole but he never could say anything more than he was sorry, so sorry for not realizing, and Chris of course would say, how could he have known. He just should have, Darren knew, but he let it go.

Eventually their friendship grew, Chris felt better, though not a hundred percent, and their lives continued to go on. It got easier to be that person Darren wanted to be for Chris and as the year went on he knew he would always be sorry for what had happened between them, he would never regret loving Chris though, and he would always work to take care of what they had now. He really believed then that it would be enough.

Darren met Sophie in a coffee shop of all places. It was cliché and corny and just felt so right. He didn't tell Chris. He didn't really know how. Things with Sophie moved fast. They had this insane whirlwind romance of coffee dates and dinner dates and making out in the movie theater and even though Darren had to be careful where he went Sophie never once complained. She kept their relationship quiet for Darren's sake. Two months into it though and Darren knew he never wanted to let her go.

Sophie was his match n almost every way. She sang, she acted, she loved all the same books and music and moves. She thought the way he did. Best of all she loved him, all of him, even the parts he was ashamed of. She didn't ever judge him for his past and she knew it all. Still Darren held off telling Chris and for a ridiculous reason. He knew deep down if the shoe were on the other foot he wouldn't want to know that Chris was seeing someone.

At the six month mark Darren gave in. He was tired of keeping Sophie a secret from the world and telling the world meant telling Chris, so he broke down and made the call. Sophie was even kind enough to leave the apartment and let him do it alone.

Chris was amazing about it. The first half of the conversation was mostly Chris being excited for him and asking for all the details and mildly chastising Darren for not saying something sooner. Darren was somehow still unprepared for Chris to say that actually he'd been keeping something to himself as well.

Chris met Michael four month back. They were now dating exclusively and Michael was practically living with Chris. Sure it was fast but he was happy, so so happy.

"Darren? Did I lose you?" Chris asked suddenly when he realized he wasn't getting a response out of Darren.

Darren shook himself hard. "No, no sorry, I'm here. I'm happy for you Chris, really happy." It wasn't a lie. Of course Darren wanted Chris to be happy. Chris deserved someone that could give him all that and more.

Then they laughed and shared stories back and forth and made plans to have everyone together at some point and it was such a good conversation that Darren felt a little of the anxiety in his chest ease off. They were friends, best friends, they could do this. Darren had made a promise to himself to be an amazing friend to Chris and he wasn't going to stop now, besides he had Sophie and she was everything he needed.

Maybe they had rushed the wedding just a bit, and their first daughter had been something of a surprise, although a good one. Darren was never sure if he had taken more time to get to know Sophie if he would have realized that she wasn't the one or if it was the act that they had married that made it so obvious. Either way the result was the same except that having married Sophie and having had children with her meant that there were now tree innocent parties involved and he couldn't walk away from any of them. He loved them dearly, all of them and he would never ever trade his children for the world, but that didn't stop him from knowing that he was a fraud, deep down.

If it were simple, if any of it were simple, he might believe he was just jealous. Of Chris partner, Michael. They were happy and had been living together for years and there was most likely an engagement on the horizon. No matter what else had gone on, Darren had always loved Chris, he just wasn't in love with him. Mostly he wasn't in love with him. Until he fell into one of his signature manic phases and started losing sleep and then he was left alone with his thoughts all night long and then he knew of course he'd always been in love with Chris; probably since he'd met the man all those years ago.

Things weren't simple though. There was a whole other side to the matter. The side that Darren never once thought would be an issue. He'd always believed you just loved who you loved and that was that. He loved Sophie, he had marred her. But there were nights when he wondered if he was actually sexually attracted to her. Nights he wondered if he was ever actually in love with her or if he just loved her as he might love a friend. He wondered if that meant he would have to live a lie forever or face breaking their family up, a family he cherished and loved.

He chose the lie. He'd made promises to Sophie that he couldn't break. He loved his children and refused to put them through the havoc of a divorce. So he fought his psyche and tried to convince himself it was acceptable and the right thing to do, and that he would never be selfish the way he once had been.

Then Chris proposed to Michael and Darren drank himself silly and fought with Sophie for no reason. Let Chris be happy, he kept telling himself. One of them ought to be free to have that. But it was no good, Darren could feel the lies crumbling around him and he felt helpless to stop whatever was about to happen.


	2. Chapter 2

"Huh, hello?" Darren's voice cracks and his fingers fumble for purchase on his phone in the dark. Bleary eyes register the time on the alarm clock as 2:38 am, but it had been Chris' name blinking on his phone so he answered anyway. Chris doesn't say anything but Darren s almost certain what he hears is Chris softly crying on the other end.

"Chris?" Darren tries a little more certain of himself now that he's waking up. Chris is crying.

"Darren?" This is Sophie, rolling over and blinking at him.

Shit. "Sorry, it's Chris; I'll go to the living room." Darren tells her and then he pats her arm and rolls out of bed. Chris still hasn't said anything but Darren is certain now of what he's hearing, he just wishes Chris would talk to him and let him know what's going on. He hopes with all his heart that it isn't anything serious like Chris in trouble or hurt or in danger.

When he makes it into the living room he sits just on the edge of the couch, his nerves keeping him rigid and on alert.

"Chris, please, talk to me." Darren urges softly.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I… I woke you up. I don't know why I called…" Chris' voice was so soft Darren could barely make out the words between sniffles and sobs.

"Don't be sorry, you can always call me and wake me up when you need to. What happened? Are you okay?" He knows the question sounds ridiculous, obviously Chris is not okay, but he hopes Chris understands why he's asking.

"I'm fine, I'm…" His voice trails off again and Darren can hear running water in the background. "I'm not hurt." He finally confirms.

"Okay, good, good. So, what's going on, Chris? Unless…you don't have to tell me, but you can, if you want to. You know you can." Darren leans back on the couch now and waits for Chris. Over the past few years Darren has learned that Chris s very good at distraction. Darren's pretty good at it himself and together they have found multiple ways to distract one another during times of trouble, rather than facing the pain. He wonders if tonight will be one of those times.

"I want to talk about it. I need to, but I just, don't know where to start." Chris sniffles again and then there s a bit of fumbling and what sounds like a crash. Chris is cursing now. "Sorry, dropped my phone." He says.

"Hey, what's going on over there, where are you?" Darren asks, worried all over again."

"I'm in the bathroom, didn't want anyone to hear me, tripped over the rug is all." Chris fumbled around with his phone again and Blaine suddenly thought that his voice sounded more slurred than strained from crying, like he'd been drinking. A lot.

"Are you drunk?" Darren asks before he can really consider the question.

"No. Maybe. Little bit?" Chris sighs heavily before continuing. "I thought you were going to let me talk." He says softly.

Oh, yeah, right, he was supposed to be doing that, not interrogating Chris. "Sorry. I'm listening." Darren says, and he means it.

"Now I don't know what to say." Chris said, his voice was low and gravelly.

"Maybe just start with, why you were crying in the bathroom?" Darren offers and he closes his eyes as he pictures Chris in his enormous bathroom probably perched now on the vanity stool.

"Everything's a mess, Dare." Chris says and his voice breaks at the end and Darren can only assume he's started crying again.

"Tell me." Darren urges him quietly. For some reason his heart starts to pound in his chest.

"It's Michael, and it's me, and I don't know what to do, and it's so screwed up." Darren just sat and listened, he couldn't interrupt now if he'd wanted to. "He does everything for me. Did you know that? Like everything, he manages everything, my schedule and appointments and meetings, and just, everything. I gave him control because I couldn't keep up and he did it so well and now I need him for everything and I don't know if want him anymore." Chris was suddenly taken over by sobbing again and Darren felt like an asshole because he'd wanted Chris and Michael to break up but he never wanted Chris to hurt like this.

"I'm so fucking trapped, and there's nothing I can do about it." Chris sobbed.

"Shh, it's okay, Chris, it is. You don't have to be trapped; you don't have to do anything you don't want to, okay?" Even as Darren said it he felt like a hypocrite. Not that their situations were similar, they really weren't, but Darren knew what it felt like to be trapped.

"It's not okay, I have to stay with him and I don't even…I don't even know if I'm in love with him. You don't know Dare, when I say he takes care of everything, I mean everything. He handles the finances too; everything and I know I couldn't do it without him, and I don't know how to keep doing it with him and I am so screwed here. There's no way out; none at all."

Darren wants to cry now too because he knows how Chris feels, but more than that he wishes Chris had said any of this to him sooner, maybe he could have advised him against turning over so much of his control. Or something, Darren didn't know what but this was torture, hearing all of this now, just months before Chris planned to marry Michael.

"We can figure this out, I can help you, you just have to let me." Darren tried to sound sure of himself. He tried to sound like he believed everything would be okay, but in truth he knew the only way anything could be okay was if Chris could somehow get away from Michael. Sooner than later. Christ he was miserable sounding.

"You are helping me. I got scared so I called you and that helps. I needed to vent." Chris didn't sound any more n control than he had earlier though and Darren felt lost.

"You don't plan to leave him." It wasn't a question. Darren already knew.

"No." Chris said. His voice sounded a million miles away and Darren thought he might as well be a million miles away with everything that separated them now.

"Even though you don't know if you love him." Darren wanted to scream or beg but he knew he couldn't. He had no right to. He hadn't for a long time.

"It's just not that simple." Chris said, and Darren bit his lip hard because it never as simple for Chris and that was shit.

"Don't marry him." Darren pleaded though he knew it was useless. Chris had made up his mind, and when he put his mind to something it got done.

"I need him. He's good to me, he's never hurt me." And there it was. Michael had never hurt Chris and he probably never would because he was a good guy; better than Darren had been. Probably better than Darren was even now. "I can't hurt him. I won't." Chris fell silent and Darren felt the tears start to slip down his cheeks, silently.

I'm sorry I woke you for no good reason. I'm gonna go back to the party now." Chris blew his nose softly on the other end and Darren suddenly felt like this was a turning point. One final chance. He could say something right now, but if Chris hung up his chance would be gone.

"I want you to call. Anytime." Darren said and his throat closed tight over anything else.

"Thanks, Dare, bye." Chris breathed.

"Bye." Darren said, and then the call went dead. The chance was past.

Several long days go by and Darren and Chris do not call each other. Darren doesn't even get any texts so he doesn't bother sending any emails and while they don't normally stay in constant contact anyway, no contact is just weird. Chris breaks it almost a week later with a random text that is so random it almost hurts Darren to read it.

5:12pm

Smog makes me sad.

Darren rereads the text several times before giving in. It's not as if he won't reply, of course he would, it's just, really Chris, smog?

5:14pm

Why does smog make you sad? Other than the obvious reasons.

5:21pm

Smog blocks the Hollywood sign whenever I want to see it.

This was actually a conversation they had touched on many times before.

5:22pm

That is sad.

5:45pm

Yep.

Things went back to normal for them after that; at least on the surface. Darren could feel himself starting to crumble under too much pressure and too much knowledge and not near enough power or resolve or hope. Darren begs off of several working and social events until Sophie starts to ask to many questions. Then he works extra hard at looking like he has his shit together which translates into longer work hours, even less sleep than before and a renewed interest in tequila.

He was careful about it for he most part. He didn't drink to get drunk. He didn't miss any more appointments or events. He even slept with Sophie when she pulled him close one night and kissed him hard. Sophie felt safe. She felt like security and comfort and smelled like home. He just wished he felt everything she felt, because he was pretty certain now, he didn't. He took the family on outings and played with the kids and did everything everyone expected him too but by the end of that month he was wearing thinner and thinner again and Sophie had a haunted look n her eyes whenever they were alone.

Mark called three days later.

"Hey man." Darren slumped into his favorite chair, glad to be able to do so on a rare day off. Sophie was still at work and the kids were off at school. Darren actually couldn't even remember the last time he'd spoken to Mark without any interruptions and it had been almost six months since they'd seen each other. That was pretty tragic considering how close they were, or had been.

"Hey dude. I'm gonna cut to the case if you don't mind." Mark said, and the serious tone of his voice was so out of character that it made Darren sit up a little straighter.

"Sure, what's up?" Darren asked cautiously.

"The thing is, I've called you because I'm butting in and you're not gonna like it, but I want you to just listen to me until I've said everything, okay?" Mark definitely had his attention now.

"I'm already regretting this, but go ahead." Darren said. Then he waited.

"You're not being careful man. Not even a little. Everyone knows what's going on, and I'm pretty sure by everyone I mean Sophie too. It's not cool and you have to do something about it one way or another." Mark paused for a moment.

"Is that it?" Darren asked evenly. His heart thudded hard against his ribs.

"No, it's not." Mark said. "You and Chris are impossible, really impossible, but you're married and he's about to be and you have to consider the fact that everything you do affects other people. You can't just mope around after him and he can't just freak out every time someone brings up your name. So you need to decide if you're willing to lose everything you've worked for and go after him or you need to let him go. And Darren?"

"Yeah?" Darren hated to ask.

"You need to pull your shit together, and if you can't then you need to get help. I told Chris the same thing" Mark finished finally.

"How did you find out?" There was no sense denying it now.

"Lea. She said you were a wreck and then Grant saw you at that premiere you took Sophie to and he said the same thing, he also spent some time with Sophie while you were at the bar. It didn't take the rest of us long to piece together the fact that we all just got invitations in the mail to Chris and Michael's wedding. So when Ashley confirmed that Chris was in rare form too and it had something to do with you, I decided to butt in. I'm sorry man, but I love you and I don't want to see you fuck up a bunch of people's lives over something that may or may not exist." Mark took a breath. "If it does exist though, I'll have your back. Just don't keep driving yourself into the ground over it."

"I think I should be really pissed off at you for making all those assumptions about me." Darren sighed. He wanted to be furious right now. He needed the anger to keep all the fear at bay.

"You can be pissed, I know I've earned it." Mark said congenially.

"You have, but I'm not for some reason." Darren replied.

"So were still good?" Mark asked, but he didn't actually sound like he needed any confirmation on the matter.

"For now." Darren said.

When they hung up Darren curled into a ball in his chair and let everything wash over him. All his feelings, all his thoughts, and everything that Mark had said and what it meant. He wasn't sure what he would do but if he had felt pressured before it was multiplied exponentially now. He cried himself to sleep and didn't budge until Sophie called him to remind him he was on dinner duty.

Mark had meant his speech to spur Darren into some sort of action, Darren knew, but all it ended up doing was forcing Darren to face the fact that this situation was hopeless and there was no way out. He wasn't going to keep hurting Sophie and he wasn't going to make it worse by leaving her.

At 1:00am he slipped from his bed, grabbed the last of the tequila and sat on the lid of the toilet in his bathroom. How fitting, he thought, that Chris had called him drunk from his bathroom; how fitting that Darren was now going to drink himself senseless in his own bathroom.

Darren finished the bottle and slumped on the floor, his thoughts, what were left of them, a riot in his head. He took several self indulgent moments to think about the idea that maybe the world didn't need hm. That wasn't exactly true, he wouldn't do that to the kids, he just wouldn't. But he was a terrible husband to Sophie, and a terrible friend to Chris and what was the point of any of it?

"Darren?" Chris' voice was right there suddenly.

Darren thought he must be hallucinating until he realized he was holding his phone pressed tight to his ear.

"Darren did your pocket call me? Are you there?" Chris was asking.

"Mmhere." Darren said, but his voice didn't seem to want to cooperate.

"I'm here, I called you." Darren had meant that to be a question but it came out all slurred and wrong.

"Dare, are you drunk?" Chris asked his voice incredulous.

That made Darren laugh because Chris had called him drunk not that long ago. He wanted to say that too but the words couldn't come out what with all the laughing.

"Oh my god you are." Chris said.

"Just a little, no bigs, no big deal." Darren slurred and he rolled over to look up at the ceiling and then had to wonder when he'd ended up laying on the floor.

"I guess you talked to Mark." Chris surmised.

That made him stop laughing because there was nothing funny about the conversation he'd been forced into earlier with Mark.

"So now what, you're drunk dialing me in the middle of the night?" Chris asked, and now he was starting to sound a little pissy. "What do you want Darren?" He asked.

"I didn't mean to. Didn't mean to call, at all, no." Darren replied. He hadn't even remembered grabbing his phone from his night stand earlier, but suddenly Chris' voce, pissy or not, was all he wanted. It was like a lifeline being thrown out to him.

"Sorry, don't go. Stay. Okay just sty for a little bit? Darren begged.

"Alright. I'm here." Chris replied and he sounded calmer.

"You so good, Chris. So much better than me." Now his chest felt all tight all over again and he shouldn't be able to feel anything.

"Don't say that, it's not even close to the truth." Chris said, suddenly quiet.

"No, you were always good to me, and I was always a dick and even now I can't get it right." Darren could feel the tears slipping down his cheeks but it wasn't in his power to get it under control. "Mark said I was fucking everyone up and he's right and I'm even too much of a coward to just end it now. I'm a terrible person all around." Darren was sobbing now and trying not to e so loud that he would wake Sophie up. Right. Sophie, in the next room. Fuck.

"Darren what the hell are you talking about?" Chris said, panic slipping into his tone.

"I'm talking about what a fuck up I am, what a life ruiner I am. I shouldn't even be in this world." Darren rolled so that he could bury his face in the rug.

"You can't say things like that Dare, you just can't." Chris was crying now too and Darren felt like the world's biggest asshole.

"No, no I didn't mean it like that, not gonna, I'm not going to do anything like that I'm not." Darren tried to sound convincing. It was true he wasn't going to hurt himself even if he felt like he should.

"You better not, you can't, you aren't allowed to just check out on me." Chris sobbed into the phone.

"I'm not I don't know why I said that." Darren tried to console Chris as best he could but it was difficult considering he couldn't stop crying himself.

Chris didn't respond, he just kept crying quietly on the other end.

"I love you, Chris, I'm not gonna leave you like that." Darren only vaguely registered what he'd said.

Chris got silent, like he was holding his breath.

Darren knew he needed to say something to fix all of this but he didn't know what. He needed to explain himself so Chris would understand.

"I love you so much, Chris. So much. I'm just so lost right now, and I'm trapped just like you are. Were both trapped and we're a million miles apart and you're gonna marry Michael and I'm not gonna leave Soph and even f I hate parts of my life I'm not going to kill myself I promise, okay? You don't have to cry." Darren felt accomplished from all the words he was able to string together.

"What are you saying?" Chris was confused. Darren took a breath and tried again.

"I'm so in love with you, but were both trapped right, so I just suffer over here and try to be a good friend but I suck at it and suck at being a husband but I don't such at being a dad, most days, and I'm not going to hurt myself. I'm just depressed or something." Darren was holding his breath now. At least Chris wasn't still crying, he didn't think he could handle that.

"You're in love with me?" Chris asked tightly.

Something was working in the back of Darren's mind but it was so hard to hold on to.

"Darren, you're in love with me?" Chris asked again.

"Yeah." Darren answered thickly.

"You're drunker than I thought, you're completely wasted. You need to go wake Sophie up or go back to bed at least or anything but we can't talk right now, not like this." He sounded almost angry.

"O... okay?" Darren said.

"Go to bed Darren, please, go to sleep. I'll talk to you later. I'm glad you're not going to hurt yourself." Chris was louder now.

Darren had nothing in him that could help him argue with that voice.

"Goodnight Darren." Chris was very final sounding.

"Goodnight?" Darren replied, but the line went dead.

Later, Darren would wake up curled around the toilet with Sophie shaking his shoulder gently.

"This is no good. You can't keep doing this." She said softly as he rolled up on his knees.

"I know. I'm done. I'll get help. Will you go with me?" Darren's eyes met Sophie's.

"Of course." She answered.

Over the next few weeks, Darren stayed sober. His counselor was still not entirely convinced he didn't need to go to AA, but he had convinced her that he didn't think he needed it for right now. Sophie went to each session with him but they didn't ever get to anything deeper than history and current events; nothing about Chris. Darren wasn't sure he could really share that anyway. He was here to work on things with Sophie not make things worse.

Darren thought things were going fairly well, not great, but he felt he was at least getting his priorities straight. That was until he received a an email from Chris.

I know we haven't talked a lot lately and maybe you think I'm avoiding you, and maybe you're right, so I decided to write you instead of calling. I thought it would be easier. Actually it turns out that it is pretty hard this way too. I need to start by telling you that when you said you were in love with me, I should have said it back but I was terrified. I could give you so many reasons to be afraid of admitting it but none of them really matter. I wanted you to know that I feel the same way. I think that's what makes this even harder. The thing is, I don't think we can ever be together again. It's not because of what happened before, well that's not the biggest reason, the biggest reason is that we both have separate lives and people that depend on us. I would never be alright with wrecking everything we've both built and hurting people we love just in order to give us a try again. I hope you can understand. You're my best friend and I never want anything to run that. Think we both just need a little space while we work on ourselves, but I'm still here for you if you need me, and in time I think things will get back to normal for both of us. I want you to be happy, Dare, I just don't think you could be with me. If you think about it, I think you might agree.

Your friend,

C.

Darren probably read the email twenty times the first day. He couldn't remember talking to Chris, let alone telling him that he was in love with him. Not tha it wasn't true, he was in love with Chris, he always had been, but he'd never intended to tell hm. This just made everything so much worse. T was somehow nicer not to know that Chris loved him too, because Chris coupled that statement with another one. One that was very final. They weren't going to be together. Darren was confused by his reaction really, considering that he was working so hard to make things right with Sophie and he'd been so proud of his efforts, and now… Now he thought maybe he'd just been fooling himself, and now, this was rock bottom; the real and true bottom of it all. He did not write Chris back or call him but later responded to texts as if nothing had happened.

The next week during counseling, Darren thought maybe he was ready to recommit, maybe he was ready to do what Mark had asked him to do all that time back, pull his shit together, but Sophie had something else in mind.

"I have to say something." She said to Darren and their therapist.

"Go ahead." Angie, the counselor replied.

Sophie turned on the little love seat so that she was facing Darren and she smiled at him. Her smile looked sad.

"I don't think this is going to work." She said. Her lips were pressed then in a tight line.

Darren's eyes shifted over to Angie but the woman didn't seem to have any immediate feedback.

"What do you mean?" Darren asked her.

"I mean, I don't think we're going to work out, Darren, and I'm so sorry to drag you in here week after week. Don't want to keep doing it." Darren's throat felt suddenly thick and he was surprised to find there were tears prickling at the corners of his eyes.

"What happened, was it… was it me? I'm sorry, I am, I –" Sophie cut in.

"It's not you, really it's not, god, I don't know how to do this. But I met someone. Nothing happened, I mean, I didn't cheat on you and I wasn't ever going to but it made me realize that there are too many things missing in our marriage and it isn't fair to us or the kids." Sophie looked as lost as Darren felt.

Oh god the kids. "What's going to happen, with Kara and Lynn?" Darren hated this moment, he hated it and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

"Maybe we can share the house, get separate places for when we're not with them, and we'll share our time with them, and they'll still have both of us. You're a great Dad, Darren, I'm not trying to take them from you." Sophie's eyes were tearing up now too. This was just as hard for her. "We'll figure it out together because that's what we do." She added and Darren could only nod. He reached forward to squeeze her knee briefly and then he asked if he could talk to her privately. Sophie and Angie both agreed and for the next thirty minutes Darren and Sophie told each other more truthful things than they had in years. When it was all over they had a tentative plan and a promise to never stop being friends. It wasn't painless, it was torture, but Darren had to agree, it was right.

They told the kids together and there were more tears then, and more tears later when Darren packed a suitcase and left for the hotel, and later still when he was alone. Even so, Darren didn't want a drink. He didn't once think he might hurt himself and he didn't think this would hurt him forever. Together they would work to build something new, something honest, something that would make them happy, and that was more to hope for than Darren had n a long time.


	3. Chapter 3

The divorce turns out to be simple to accomplish, difficult to face, and a relief to be through. Darren and Sophie wind up sharing custody of the children, they maintain their family home where the children live full time, and each of them gets a place nearby for their time when they are not with the kids. Darren's mother cries but tells him she knew they were unhappy. A mother just knows. His brother, Chuck, comes out for a visit to help him find a place and get moved in. Afterwards he's amazed at how much they accomplish in a week's time.

Sophie stays true to her every word and together they begin anew. Darren loves his time with the kids the most, but he comes to appreciate everything about this new life he's trying to create. Maybe it isn't ideal but he starts to find ways to be grateful for the things he does have. He takes himself to movies and musicals and starts reading again. He gets in touch with friends he hasn't seen in a long time and works to repair friendships that have become stale.

One really important change is that he sees a therapist on his own now. Joseph is someone Darren immediately feels he can trust. Darren tells him everything, every last shameful or painful thing, every fear and every hope. He cries more on that couch than he wants to, but Joseph helps him dig through his thoughts and feelings in a way that is actually productive so he begins to look forward to the sessions rather than dread them. After a couple of good months really focusing on himself Darren starts to feel just a little more normal, and maybe a little more like his old self.

Then Mark puts in a surprise visit one weekend. After plenty of back poundings and hugs, Mark gets the grand tour of Darren's apartment and they wind up ordering pizza and making plans for Mark to stay. Mark has just landed a roll in a new movie and he asks about Darren's work, but Darren doesn't have much to tell. Everything is kind of on hold while he adjusts. Then they talk about who Mark has been seeing, when he last hung out with mutual friends, Darren catches hm up on the kids. After dinner, the talk turns serious and catches Darren off guard.

"I need to apologize to you, I've wanted to for a while but I thought it would be better in person." Something flashes around the edges of Mark's eyes but Darren isn't sure what. He is sure that Mark is being very sincere.

"You don't have to do that, you were right in a lot of ways." Darren assures him.

"Yeah I do man, I'm sorry. I think I could have handled it better, and maybe you didn't really need someone butting in after all."

Darren has had plenty of time to think about this very thing and he came to a conclusion a good while back.

"I was mad," he said, "but I forgave you a long time ago. I think I probably did need someone to butt in. It gave me a lot to think about." He added.

They sat there a minute in quiet; both of them knowing that Darren had taken a turn for the worst after that conversation.

Mark broke the silence. "Thanks." He said simply and then they fell back into lighter topics. Eventually the conversation came back around almost in a full circle, but Darren wasn't surprised, he was actually sort of grateful.

"What about Chris, Darren?" Mark was solemn now.

"We're just good friends." Darren answered but when Mark just sat there giving him that look, Darren went on. "I'm not going to get in the way of his happiness and even if I worry about the situation with Michael, Chris was really clear with me. He's staying put and he's getting married. I don't have the right to get involved at this point." Darren leaned back into the cushions of his chair. Talking to his therapist about this was one thing, but t was nice to tell someone who really knew, and who understood.

"That sounds mature and reasonable, and I'm glad you've thought about it, but where does that leave you?"

Darren smiled sadly. "That leaves me trying to face my life on my own for now. Getting my shit together and ultimately letting Chris go. I've believed for so long that he was the only man I could ever love that I think I missed part of the picture. Someday, when or if I'm ever ready, I'll try and find a man that's even half as wonderful as Chris."

Mark didn't say anything right away but a small smile crept across his lips. "I'm happy you're working everything out now." He said.

"Me too." Darren smiled softly.

Mark nodded and appeared to lose himself in his thoughts.

"What else?" Darren asked.

"I just don't want you to have to live with any more regrets."

Darren was going to cut him off but Mark raised a hand to stop him. "I know, I heard you, I'm just telling you my opinion and we both know I'm no expert." Mark sighed but when Darren had nothing more to add on the subject they moved on. Even so, Darren was glad it had come up. It was something of a relief to know he wasn't the only one thinking those same things. Regrets were terrible things, but life just wasn't that simple.

After Mark left, Darren sat for a long time, just thinking in the still of his apartment. He was thinking about regrets and thinking about Chris but he realized that there were so many other things about his life that he regretted. Not his children of course, he could never regret them which made it difficult to look back and be really sorry for marrying Sophie. He had other things to regret though, like losing sight of his music career. Sure, acting was amazing, had been amazing but he was glad he had some down time in the middle of all of these life altering moments because it gave him time to evaluate everything. One thing he knew for certain, he needed to be singing. He needed to be playing again, and not just the occasional gig here and there, he needed to write new material and really throw himself into it. Darren decided that was one regret he could do something about and he would start right away.

Writing, as it turned out came surprisingly easy to him. Maybe it was because he had plenty of thoughts and emotions waiting to be spilled across paper, or because these songs had been waiting all this time for him to reach out and claim them, but whatever the reason Darren found himself filling sheet after sheet with music and lyrics and after just a few short weeks he had the beginnings of a new album. He called his manager and got set up with a recording studio and even called in a few friends to help.

Composing had an unexpected effect on Darren in that he began remembering who he used to be and who he had wanted to become when he was younger. His attire began to fall on the more casual side, he let his hair get a little long, let his face get a little scruffy and then he just started to find real enjoyment in his life. He was reading again. Things he'd meant to read, books he'd bought and never gotten around to. He was flying out to meet with Joey and spend the weekend with his family and it was like they were kids again.

Darren was even surprising his own children with the new and improved him. They'd always done lots together as a family but now Darren took them along to the studio, patiently explained why vinyl records were not obsolete, let them cart him around to even the most ridiculous tourist traps, and the three of them began to make plans for a summer trip to visit their grandmother in California. They even took it in stride when he came out to them and Sophie. N fact life was better than t had been in years.

He spent so much energy focused on just being his self, his really real self that he'd forgotten a certain upcoming event he was most definitely not looking forward to. In fact he was fairly certain that more than a week had gone by since he'd heard from Chris at all and certainly several weeks since they'd last spoken. That had to be remedied.

"Hey." Chris answered the phone and sounded exhausted.

"Hey. Sorry I haven't called lately. I turned around today and realized we haven't spoken in ages and decided I wasn't okay with that. So how are things?" Darren propped his feet up on the sofa and leaned back.

Chris didn't answer. He didn't say anything at all.

"Chris? What's going on?"

Chris took a ragged breath on the other end. "Michael left me."

For one horrible moment, Darren couldn't find his voice but only because he could hear the pain in Chris' voice and he wondered how long ago this had happened and if Chris had anyone there to support him the way he'd been supported when Sophie and he parted ways. Not that it was the same at all. He and Sophie were ending and Chris and Michael were still trying to get started.

"What happened?" Darren maybe could have gone with something else like, I'm sorry or really anything else, but he was living without regrets now, or without many. So he said the first thing that came to mind.

"He told me that I wasn't in love with him and that he deserved to love and be loved and so did I." Chris' voice was hollow, far off, empty somehow. It made Darren ache.

"I'm sorry, Chris, I really am."

"He was really nice about it all though, nicer than I deserved. He offered to hire his replacement as my manager, and he brought in a temporary replacement. I can't stand her but she gets me through my schedule each day so I guess that's something."

"When? When did he leave?" Darren was clutching the phone in his hand pressing it so hard to his ear that it hurt.

"Four days ago." Chris answered.

"Why didn't you-?"

"Why didn't I call? Chris laughed humorlessly. "Like you called me after Sophie left you?"

"You're right." Darren's hand begins to shake but he keeps it out of his voice when he talks.

"Look, Dare, I'm sorry. I know why you didn't call, and the reason I didn't call is pretty simple. I've been hiding away in my room not talking to anyone. I was actually planning to call you this weekend.

"You don't have to apologize. I'm just wishing I could be there or that I could do something."

Then they were just quiet and that was okay for both of them. Maybe there were a lot of things that could be said, but not now, now wasn't the time.

The conversation didn't move much further than that this time but over the next few weeks they talked more and more and Darren shared all of his recent self discoveries and Chris talked about getting off some meds and getting back behind the wheel of a car. They both had work to do and appointments to keep but they got back to the easer times in their friendship. They spent free time on the phone but they made sure to text when their schedules didn't permit time for calls, and before Darren knew it they were completely at ease with one another again. They didn't talk about the past, they didn't talk about the things they said to one another when they were still in relationships, but it was still good. It was better in so many ways than before.

Darren's album was released to much more success than Darren had hoped for and Chris called him the same day to tell him how amazing it was. Even though they weren't talking about it, Darren had to wonder if Chris could hear all those unspoken words in the lyrics of several of his songs. Just when Darren thought the frantic pace was about to slow down he got another phone call, this one from his agent.

Adele was set to perform at the L.A. Gay and Lesbian Center's Life Out Loud Benefit and she had specifically asked several artists to cover some of her older songs. Darren was on that short list. Even though he was older and more experienced these days, it still took him several long minutes before he could properly speak. After that he called everyone.

It just so happened that the benefit took place in June, right when he planned to be out there with the kids to visit his mother. It also happened that Chris would be out of town and unable to attend. Darren may have been slightly disappointed by that fact, but then he hadn't actually seen Chris in forever and maybe a concert wasn't the best reunion for them anyway. Even so, Darren knew he'd be singing that night just for Chris and after several phone calls and emails back and forth, Darren had secured the right to sing Adele's Set Fire to the Rain.

June rolled around soon after that and Darren and the kids flew out a week before the benefit concert. His mother had several activities planned for them, but his favorite day was when they played at the beach all day, picnicked in the sand, and paid no mind whatsoever to the time. That was the day Darren realized he was happy; really happy.

When the concert rolled around, Darren was excited, but he managed to get through his introductions to Adele and the other big names without embarrassing himself too much and when it was his turn he took the stage as graciously as possible. He thought he might be nervous but taking his seat at the piano just felt natural, and then he thought of Chris. Of what this song meant to him and how he would never forget what he'd had, or how he'd lost it. It was bittersweet.

Darren turned to the audience, his heart in every note and every word and he couldn't help but imagine Chris there, hearing the song, knowing that it meant Darren was sorry, and that he would never be over Chris no matter how happy he was no matter where the future took him. Chris would always own a piece of his heart.

I set fire to the rain  
And I threw us into the flames  
Where I felt somethin' die  
'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time, oh

Oh, no  
Let it burn, oh  
Let it burn  
Let it burn

Afterward Darren bowed and blew kisses to the audience and accepted a hug offstage from the lady herself and she thanked him again for his involvement. Darren was pretty sure he would never forget that. He spent the rest of the night enjoying the music and drinks and the company. There was a moment when he was watching Adele perform from her latest album that he pulled out his phone and texted Chris.

9:35pm

Adele and I wish you were here.

9:39pm

Well mostly just me, but I'm pretty sure if she knew you…

Chris didn't answer but that was somehow alright with Darren.

When they all got back to New York Darren found it difficult at first to say goodbye to the kids even though he would be seeing them again the next weekend. Sophie was kind about the whole thing and even invited Darren to come to dinner sometime in the week.

Once he was home Darren found he was actually pretty worn out and happy to crawl in bed even though it was only nine. He had the rest of the week off and then he had meetings and auditions the next week as he prepared to make something of a comeback. It wasn't as if he hadn't been working this whole time but it was more the fact that he'd been limiting himself to taking certain jobs and working more and more behind the scenes. It was fun, but it wasn't really him. He needed to be in front of an audience again but it was going to take patience and hard work.

Chris called a couple of nights later. "Hey stranger." Darren said with a laugh. Technically it hadn't been that long since they'd last spoken but he had become used to their almost constant contact.

"Ha ha." Chris said but his voice was lightly teasing. "I know I've been hard to get a hold of lately, things have just been hectic over here."

"It's okay, I kind of know how that goes." Darren told him.

"Did you have a good trip?" Chris shuffled around a bit on the other end and Darren wondered if he too were sinking back into a sofa or chair, or his bed like Darren was.

"I did, it was great to see Mom and just get to enjoy the kids for more than a few days at a time, and of course, Adele." Darren teased the last word because he knew Chris had read his texts from that night.

Chris chuckled softly and then went quiet. Finally he said seriously, "Sorry I didn't text you back, I didn't see your message until the next day and then it was back to the grind.

"It's alright." Darren told him. "So what's been keeping you busy these days?" Darren asked.

Chris groaned. "Therapy, doctor's appointments, meetings, a possible role in a movie, packing-"

"Wait, go back. A movie and packing?" Darren sat up but Chris was back to chuckling into his ear.

"A possible role. I still have to audition."

"And packing?" Darren prodded.

"And packing. I don't want to stay in mine and Michael's place. I need a fresh start."

Darren could understand that but Chris hadn't mentioned looking for a place. "Where are you moving?"

"Right now? A storage unit. I haven't exactly found what I'm looking for yet so I'm going to live out of a hotel room for a couple of weeks until I can make up my mind. Actually," Chris' voice dropped coming out quieter than before, "It's been so long since I had to make such a big decision on my own that I'm finding it sort of difficult."

"You'll figure it out, I know you will." Darren said just as softly.

"I know." Chris answered.

After a few minutes of silence Darren spoke up again. "I'm proud of you." He said.

"Thanks Dare. I'm proud of you too." Chris sniffled softly.

"Hey, hey." Darren's heart ached.

"I'm okay, really, I'm not sad." Then Chris was laughing and sniffling all at once and Darren didn't know what to say.

"I'm happy. You have no idea how happy I am. I was so miserable before, just all the time, and now I can't believe how happy I am!"

Darren joined him then. "I had the exact same realization on the beach five days ago. It surprised the hell out of me."

"I know what you mean."

Finally they calmed back down enough to speak normally again. Darren was thinking over all the changes they'd been through in the past, well, almost a year now. They were both getting their lives back together, they were happy. It was kind of amazing in the very best of ways. "Thank you for everything Chris. I'm so happy for you and for us both really. You're an amazing person and a wonderful friend." Darren wasn't laughing now but he felt quiet inside and peaceful.

"I could say the same thing about you." Chris said, he sounded relaxed now too; quiet and fuzzy around the edges.

"I have so much respect for you Chris, you have no idea, I hope you know you mean the world to me." Darren closed his eyes and clutched the phone the way he wished he could clutch Chris to him.

"You mean the world to me too Dare." Chris spoke slowly and so softly. His voice came out breathy and low.

"And I want you to know, I want to promise you that what we have now, what we've built over the years, all of that is too important to me to ever risk again." Darren felt the tears prickle his eyes but it wasn't sadness. He just felt so overcome with love and hope that he couldn't hold it all inside himself. The words were just pouring out of him now; he couldn't think them through or stop them if he tried.

"What are you saying?" Chris asked quietly.

"I'm saying you're my best friend and I never want to jeopardize our friendship again, I won't ever do anything to risk losing what we have. It means too much to me." Darren hadn't meant to say all of this but it was true and it was out now and he couldn't regret it.

"Okay." Chris said his voice tight now.

Darren wasn't sure what to make of it but he went back over what he'd said and while it was overly emotional he couldn't find any real fault in them.

"Chris I-"

"It's okay, I'm just, really tired. You're my best friend too, Dare, nothing will ever change that. I just have to go, I'm exhausted."

"Alright. I'll let you go, sleep well." Darren whispered.

"You too." Chris said and then he hung up.

Darren allowed sleep to take him then. He slept fitfully until he was surprised awake the next morning by someone knocking at his door. The clock next to the bed read 7:57am and Darren had no idea who it might be knocking at that hour. He had a moment of panic thinking something might have happened to one of the kids but as his phone showed no missed calls he felt certain that wasn't the case. He didn't bother getting dressed just grabbed his robe and slipped it on before padding out to the living room and the front door.

He pulled open the door and then felt completely disoriented when he found Chris standing on the other side. Chris looked exhausted and his normally perfect hair and clothes looked rumpled.

"Hey-" Darren was stopped short by Chris' raised hand.

"You're an idiot." Chris said. He sounded really serious, but Darren didn't try to interrupt him nor did he try to stop Chris when he pushed passed Darren and marched into the living room. Darren just closed the door and followed Chris unsure of what exactly he had recently done to prove he was an idiot.

Chris had his arms crossed over his chest so Darren just stood, waiting. It had been years since he'd seen this look on Chris' face but he remembered well enough what it meant. He waited.

"You never once asked if I wanted to risk our friendship or if I wanted to take any chances. You can't just say things like that, just decide for both of us. Not now, not when we're both free and happy and living our lives with purpose and joy." Chris walked forward until he had to look down to meet Darren's eyes.

"What are you saying?" It was Darren's turn to ask.

"I'm saying risk it. Be brave." Darren felt his breath catch but before he could answer Chris' lips were on his and all the arguments in the world meant nothing.

Darren's hands wrapped around Chris and Chris' hands braced against Darren's face holding him in place, anchoring him so he felt somehow steady. Everything was familiar but somehow new so very new. It made Darren ache all over. Kissing Chris was like falling and being set free all at once and before he knew it they were tangled together on the couch, limbs wrapped around each other and Darren's head pressed into Chris' chest where he tried to catch his breath against Chris' now very rumpled shirt.

"We should talk." Darren murmured.

"We should." Chris agreed softly.

"But not right now."

"Not right now." Chris kissed the top of Darren's head.


	4. Chapter 4

Hours later, when the kisses and little touches were no longer enough, Darren and Chris moved to the bedroom. At first neither of them planned the day to go this way. They'd talked about going out for a bite to eat and having coffee at Darren's favorite place. They'd whispered of taking their time of not needing to rush into having sex. Though they'd avoided some of the bigger issues like how they would make this work long distance or if anyone might move. When neither of them actually wanted to leave the apartment and neither of them actually wanted to wait another second for the other, they moved down the hall and fell onto the bed together.

The first time was fast. They tore at each other clothes; Darren's much simpler to get out of because he'd still been in his pajamas. Once they were undressed it was all clumsy hands and kisses that were too rough. They laughed until it was no longer funny, it was just hot, and then when hands and mouths weren't enough anymore Chris climbed over Darren so he could straddle Darren's hips and he leaned down and captured Darren's mouth with his own.

Chris reached beneath and behind himself to carefully reposition Darren's cock so that it stood straight up behind Chris' ass and rubbed along his crack with each roll of his hips. Darren gasped under him and Chris sighed in relief when Darren's hand wrapped tightly around his dick and started to pump in time to the roll of his hips. They didn't bother with much foreplay or teasing now because they needed each other in a way that was more than a little frantic. Chris didn't even let Darren stretch him first, he just promised he could take it and slid the condom down Darren's cock. Then positioned himself so that he could slide Darren inside.

It was over before either of them wanted it to be. Chris never even sat up they just lay holding each other, Chris pinned chest to chest with Darren and their mouths connected though unable to hold a real kiss. In this position Darren had to do the work, lifting his hips and sliding in and out of Chris while they both gasped for air. Soon Darren was warning that he was close and Chris was sobbing that he was about to come and then they did, hard and long and shaking against one another.

Neither of them was anywhere near satisfied, both stayed hard as though they'd not yet done anything. Chris rolled off carefully and pulled Darren so that they lay on their sides facing one another. Darren disposed of his condom and Chris asked for the lube which Darren passed over. Slowly, Chris lifted Darren's topmost leg over his own and slicked his fingers with the lube. They kissed some more but mostly they wanted to see each other, to watch the expressions that flickered on their faces and the need that glowed hot in their eyes.

Chris took time stretching Darren. He was tight, so tight around Chris' fingers and he moaned and trembled with each inch gained. When Chris made it to three fingers he was overwhelmed.

"Wait." Darren whispered; his voice wrecked.

Chris immediately stilled. "I'm so sorry, we can stop, Dare, just relax and I'll-"

Darren interrupted him. "No, just, I was too close. Just hold still for a minute." Darren was close to pleading, so Chris did as he asked and just waited, resting his head against Darren's shoulder.

Darren slowly felt the tension leaving as he came off the edge of his orgasm and before too much longer he needed Chris to move again. "I'm ready." He said in a hushed tone.

Chris began to move his fingers again, carefully pressing one way then the next but Darren stopped him again. "No. I meant I'm ready; for you."

There was some shifting around as Darren handed over another condom and Chris slipped it over his length and then positioned himself at Darren's entrance. Their eyes met again as Chris began to press slowly into Darren.

The sensations were intense for Darren. It felt like it had all those years ago, like the first time, or close to that. Chris had prepared him thoroughly enough that he didn't actually hurt. His muscles fought back some and he struggled to relax, but as Chris slipped past the tight outer ring of muscle Darren let out a puff of air he hadn't known he'd been holding. Slowly but surely he was able to take Chris' cock all the way inside. There, buried deep in him Chris waited, holding himself still and kissing Darren until he felt the tremors in Darren's thighs stop.

"Please?" Darren was already asking when Chris made the decision to move. He pulled out carefully and slid back in, back and forth only a couple of inches at a time, taking care to never hurt Darren.

"Oh god." He practically groaned from the barrage of sensations hitting him with each slow roll of his hips. His hands clutching at Darren's back and hips, his lips pressing to whatever part of Darren he could find.

For Darren everything was full and perfect and morepleasemore. "Fuck, Chris. Fuck me, please." He whimpered.

Chris shivered at his words but did his damnedest to comply. He sped up his thrusts, making them as deep as he could manage in this position, and he pulled Darren's leg up higher on his hip and held on tight, his fingers sinking into Darren's flesh.

Darren cried out, his words, whatever they were, lost among the whimpers and moans being drawn out of the both of them. Time didn't have any meaning here and so Chris didn't know how long this went on, this steady pounding. He was sure Darren would be sorry about it later but he couldn't help but give him everything he asked for.

Eventually, when their bodies were slicked in sweat, their hearts pounded out of time, and neither of them could hold back, they came together crying out against each others mouths.

"I love you." Darren whispered.

"I love you too." Chris answered.

They moved apart only long for Chris to pull out, discard the condom and use his shirt to wipe them up enough that they could be comfortable. They fell asleep twined together and breathing each others breath.

When they woke they both knew it was time for talk. They stayed in bed, not caring yet for showers or food, and the day was still fairly young considering everything that had passed between them. Chris began.

"I have a confession."

Darren quirked an eyebrow at Chris wondering what, after this morning, could still be a secret.

"I was in L.A. last week. I saw you play at the benefit."

Chris looked so guilty and his cheeks pinked up like they used to when he was young. It pulled at Darren's heart. At the same time the reality hit Darren. Chris had seen him, he had heard him. He'd heard the song.

"I know, I should have said something." Chris said softly, clearly interpreting what he was seeing in Darren's eyes.

"You're telling me now." Darren said. "And I'm glad you were there. Honestly, I felt like you were there with me so now that makes sense." He smiled at Chris, and hoped Chris could see that this was alright, everything was wonderful in fact. Chris just squeezed him and smiled softly.

"You were amazing. You brought me to tears. That's why I didn't text you back that night. I was afraid I'd give myself away and I just wasn't ready, not quite yet. When you made your speech about our friendship I knew I had to say something but it couldn't be over the phone."

Darren wanted to tell Chris how very glad he was that Chris had decided to come, but he didn't have all the right words so he just leaned in and kissed Chris softly.

"Now we just need to decide where we go from here." Darren said at last.

"Well, obviously I'm moving to New York." Chris said it like it as the most reasonable thing in the world.

"Don't you think you ought to think about that first, or take some time or something?" Of course Darren wanted him there, but he didn't want him uprooting his whole life without being certain first.

"I have thought about it. I'm living out of a hotel room right now. I need the change of scenery, and you can't move away from your kids, I would never be okay asking you to do that. Plus, we can still make an attempt at taking things slow. I'll get my own place and we can date. Actually leave the apartment dates though, not that I have any problem whatsoever with today, but I think we need the chance to get to know each other again, as more than just friends." Chris seemed so sure of everything he said that Darren couldn't find any real fault in it.

Suddenly Darren was overcome with the whole thing. Chris was here, he was moving to New York, he was Darren's and Darren was his. After everything and all the time that had passed. After all the mistakes and revelations and now, he was getting Chris. He couldn't stop the tears that formed now in his eyes but he didn't actually cry he just pulled Chris close and kissed him senseless.

When he finally pulled back he kept close to Chris, looking deep into his sea colored eyes. "We'll have to be very brave." He said. His voice was low and serious but his eyes crinkled softly in a smile.

"Oh very." Chris agreed.

When the afternoon sun was stretching across the bed they finally got up, showered, and went out for food. They planned and made calls and spent the night making even more promises without words. Promises they were finally both ready to make and finally able to keep.

The End


End file.
